Perpetual 'Friend'

A lot of people I know blog about things that are Biblical...or theological of some sort. I don't always do that. This will be a blog rant of sorts and will maybe have a thought in there somewhere that can be viewed as Christ like. I would hope that if you call yourself a 'Christian', that God is in your thoughts...period.

I am a 33 year old, single, lonely woman. That was made painfully clear as I laid in my bed sick as a dog this past week. I had dear friends call me or text me to make sure I was still breathing but in actuality, if I had passed from this world...no one would have known for quite some time. You might think that is a little melodramatic...but truly it was a thought that crossed my mind. I probably would have ended up being the woman that her cat had eaten half her face off of...i remember hearing that in an episode of 'Sex and the City' and remember thinking, that is far fetched, but in reality it is not so much.

Everyone that I am close too says that I am terrific. That I am beautiful and have a lot to offer someone. That I am funny, compassionate, loving blah blah blah. Then why the hell am I still single! I actually had someone tell me recently that I should bar hop and have guilt free sex in order to boost my self-esteem that I need to 'put myself out there...don't be a whore or anything but if you don't play occasionally how can you expect to win the game' I was like...ummm...wouldn't that constitute as a form of self-loathing? I am met with these oxymoron's on many occasions.

I have always been the perpetual 'friend'. I have always had many many male friends and hardly any boyfriends. If I do have a boyfriend he is usually crazy. I am the girl that loves UFC, loves video game's...loves to be active, is not very girly and gives good advice to my male friends when they call with 'girl type' issues. I have always tried to find beauty in peoples flaws but have felt like I have never had that reciprocated. I began a weight loss journey a couple of years ago and have yet to reach my goal. It is a work in progress...sometimes my progress is slow. Some may think...weight has nothing to do with it...ummm...yes it does...I mean let's get real here. I thought that if I improved my physical appearance...I would attract some nice men. In reality I have just made more male 'friends'. This is not a bad thing but it is a frustrating thing. I am beginning to think that there is really something wrong with this picture.

Several people have said, 'once you stop looking for it, it will find you'...that's a load of CRAP! I had a 'breakthrough' of sorts the other day. I am still too fat. That is the only logical explanation I have. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...so does that mean I'm ugly? Because I am still rejected. I am still not good enough to 'date'. I'm good enough to hang out with...talk to...share things with...but I am evidently not good enough to pursue any type of relationship with. Many say I am...but evidently I am still not pleasing to the eye. If you say that physical appearance is not important than you are a bloody liar! Many may disagree and think that I am insane for thinking this but when you have one of your male 'friends' who is single as well...say...'I wish I could find a girl like you'....it makes you think...then what the hell is wrong with me....I am right here!?!? Evidently if you think that I am the 'bomb' evidently I am still inadequate to you because you don't want to date 'me'...you want someone like 'me'....here go the oxymoron's again.

It is very hurtful to realize that you are not enough. That is all I have ever wanted to be. I want to be 'enough' for someone. While I was laying in the bed the other day, barely able to lift my head...it became so apparent to me...Nicole are alone. God is there...that is not what I mean...but is God going to materialize and put a wet cloth on my head...not exactly. I mean that in the purest sense...I am ALONE. Does God want me to be alone? I am beginning to think so and that makes me angry. My heart crys out to him that I don't want to be. I want someone to share my life with...to laugh with...cry with...dream with...build a life with...for someone to bring me soup...put a cool cloth to my head...spoon me to keep me warm. I have made a vow to myself that I will do all things in my power to better myself...if it doesn't work...then I give up. In the end I may be alone, but I will be a better person for it. I'm just sick of trying...I'm sick of waiting...I'm sick of being patient...I'm sick of being the perpetual 'friend'.