Dad, why is it so hard for us to believe that we are beautiful? We can call something that you say or do as beautiful. We can say that other's are beautiful, mountains, sunsets, paintings etc...but when it comes to ourselves; it is so hard to believe.
When we do stupid stuff or when we have been through hell and back...some of which may have caused major scars, we take it out on ourselves. Sometimes we need to take responsibility for the consequences of said behavior, but it doesn't necessarily make us less beautiful. When I stop to think about it, it's hard for me to comprehend what you did for us...let alone for me.
You made me in your likeness. I call you beautiful, so why is it so hard to believe that I myself am? It's not like I think that all the time, but most of time, the thought creeps in there. I don't like myself a lot of the time. I know many, many people who do not like themselves. It's not that we are 'bad' people, sometimes we do bad stuff, or say stupid things, but in the long run...we are beautiful.
I think a lot of the time, if we are not close to you like we should be, this is when it's the worst. When you surround yourself with good, you become a reflection of that. I guess that is why so many 'earthly' parents say they don't want you hanging with the wrong crowd, doing things that could hurt you, listening to music that is hateful, etc...because the longer you are around negative things, you project negativity. We are sponges aren't we Dad? You created us though, to soak you up. I'm sorry that we ignore you most of the time. I'm sorry that we choose to soak in the things of this world that aren't a reflection of you.
Please help me Dad. Help me to be a better daughter. I want to listen to you more than those around me that aren't positive. Sometimes I feel like a lost little girl. No matter how many times I have wandered off, you have always found me and kissed my boo boo's. I love you Daddy. I want to make you proud. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to help other's to stop feeling this way. I want us all to realize how precious, valuable and lovely we are even through all the mistakes, the bruises, the crap that we have allowed to consume us. Help us to draw near to you, so that we can easily reflect your beauty...so when we look in the mirror...we see you...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Perpetual 'Friend'
A lot of people I know blog about things that are Biblical...or theological of some sort. I don't always do that. This will be a blog rant of sorts and will maybe have a thought in there somewhere that can be viewed as Christ like. I would hope that if you call yourself a 'Christian', that God is in your thoughts...period.
I am a 33 year old, single, lonely woman. That was made painfully clear as I laid in my bed sick as a dog this past week. I had dear friends call me or text me to make sure I was still breathing but in actuality, if I had passed from this world...no one would have known for quite some time. You might think that is a little melodramatic...but truly it was a thought that crossed my mind. I probably would have ended up being the woman that her cat had eaten half her face off of...i remember hearing that in an episode of 'Sex and the City' and remember thinking, that is far fetched, but in reality it is not so much.
Everyone that I am close too says that I am terrific. That I am beautiful and have a lot to offer someone. That I am funny, compassionate, loving blah blah blah. Then why the hell am I still single! I actually had someone tell me recently that I should bar hop and have guilt free sex in order to boost my self-esteem that I need to 'put myself out there...don't be a whore or anything but if you don't play occasionally how can you expect to win the game' I was like...ummm...wouldn't that constitute as a form of self-loathing? I am met with these oxymoron's on many occasions.
I have always been the perpetual 'friend'. I have always had many many male friends and hardly any boyfriends. If I do have a boyfriend he is usually crazy. I am the girl that loves UFC, loves video game's...loves to be active, is not very girly and gives good advice to my male friends when they call with 'girl type' issues. I have always tried to find beauty in peoples flaws but have felt like I have never had that reciprocated. I began a weight loss journey a couple of years ago and have yet to reach my goal. It is a work in progress...sometimes my progress is slow. Some may think...weight has nothing to do with it...ummm...yes it does...I mean let's get real here. I thought that if I improved my physical appearance...I would attract some nice men. In reality I have just made more male 'friends'. This is not a bad thing but it is a frustrating thing. I am beginning to think that there is really something wrong with this picture.
Several people have said, 'once you stop looking for it, it will find you'...that's a load of CRAP! I had a 'breakthrough' of sorts the other day. I am still too fat. That is the only logical explanation I have. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...so does that mean I'm ugly? Because I am still rejected. I am still not good enough to 'date'. I'm good enough to hang out with...talk to...share things with...but I am evidently not good enough to pursue any type of relationship with. Many say I am...but evidently I am still not pleasing to the eye. If you say that physical appearance is not important than you are a bloody liar! Many may disagree and think that I am insane for thinking this but when you have one of your male 'friends' who is single as well...say...'I wish I could find a girl like you'....it makes you think...then what the hell is wrong with me....I am right here!?!? Evidently if you think that I am the 'bomb' evidently I am still inadequate to you because you don't want to date 'me'...you want someone like 'me'....here go the oxymoron's again.
It is very hurtful to realize that you are not enough. That is all I have ever wanted to be. I want to be 'enough' for someone. While I was laying in the bed the other day, barely able to lift my head...it became so apparent to me...Nicole are alone. God is there...that is not what I mean...but is God going to materialize and put a wet cloth on my head...not exactly. I mean that in the purest sense...I am ALONE. Does God want me to be alone? I am beginning to think so and that makes me angry. My heart crys out to him that I don't want to be. I want someone to share my life with...to laugh with...cry with...dream with...build a life with...for someone to bring me soup...put a cool cloth to my head...spoon me to keep me warm. I have made a vow to myself that I will do all things in my power to better myself...if it doesn't work...then I give up. In the end I may be alone, but I will be a better person for it. I'm just sick of trying...I'm sick of waiting...I'm sick of being patient...I'm sick of being the perpetual 'friend'.
I am a 33 year old, single, lonely woman. That was made painfully clear as I laid in my bed sick as a dog this past week. I had dear friends call me or text me to make sure I was still breathing but in actuality, if I had passed from this world...no one would have known for quite some time. You might think that is a little melodramatic...but truly it was a thought that crossed my mind. I probably would have ended up being the woman that her cat had eaten half her face off of...i remember hearing that in an episode of 'Sex and the City' and remember thinking, that is far fetched, but in reality it is not so much.
Everyone that I am close too says that I am terrific. That I am beautiful and have a lot to offer someone. That I am funny, compassionate, loving blah blah blah. Then why the hell am I still single! I actually had someone tell me recently that I should bar hop and have guilt free sex in order to boost my self-esteem that I need to 'put myself out there...don't be a whore or anything but if you don't play occasionally how can you expect to win the game' I was like...ummm...wouldn't that constitute as a form of self-loathing? I am met with these oxymoron's on many occasions.
I have always been the perpetual 'friend'. I have always had many many male friends and hardly any boyfriends. If I do have a boyfriend he is usually crazy. I am the girl that loves UFC, loves video game's...loves to be active, is not very girly and gives good advice to my male friends when they call with 'girl type' issues. I have always tried to find beauty in peoples flaws but have felt like I have never had that reciprocated. I began a weight loss journey a couple of years ago and have yet to reach my goal. It is a work in progress...sometimes my progress is slow. Some may think...weight has nothing to do with it...ummm...yes it does...I mean let's get real here. I thought that if I improved my physical appearance...I would attract some nice men. In reality I have just made more male 'friends'. This is not a bad thing but it is a frustrating thing. I am beginning to think that there is really something wrong with this picture.
Several people have said, 'once you stop looking for it, it will find you'...that's a load of CRAP! I had a 'breakthrough' of sorts the other day. I am still too fat. That is the only logical explanation I have. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...so does that mean I'm ugly? Because I am still rejected. I am still not good enough to 'date'. I'm good enough to hang out with...talk to...share things with...but I am evidently not good enough to pursue any type of relationship with. Many say I am...but evidently I am still not pleasing to the eye. If you say that physical appearance is not important than you are a bloody liar! Many may disagree and think that I am insane for thinking this but when you have one of your male 'friends' who is single as well...say...'I wish I could find a girl like you'....it makes you think...then what the hell is wrong with me....I am right here!?!? Evidently if you think that I am the 'bomb' evidently I am still inadequate to you because you don't want to date 'me'...you want someone like 'me'....here go the oxymoron's again.
It is very hurtful to realize that you are not enough. That is all I have ever wanted to be. I want to be 'enough' for someone. While I was laying in the bed the other day, barely able to lift my head...it became so apparent to me...Nicole are alone. God is there...that is not what I mean...but is God going to materialize and put a wet cloth on my head...not exactly. I mean that in the purest sense...I am ALONE. Does God want me to be alone? I am beginning to think so and that makes me angry. My heart crys out to him that I don't want to be. I want someone to share my life with...to laugh with...cry with...dream with...build a life with...for someone to bring me soup...put a cool cloth to my head...spoon me to keep me warm. I have made a vow to myself that I will do all things in my power to better myself...if it doesn't work...then I give up. In the end I may be alone, but I will be a better person for it. I'm just sick of trying...I'm sick of waiting...I'm sick of being patient...I'm sick of being the perpetual 'friend'.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Things I Love
One definition of love: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
I haven't written in a long time and was bored, on my way to taking a nap actually, when this particular thought came to me: I would like to share some things that I love in no particular order. Random I know, but I am extremely random so there ya go.
Cold winter nights
Long naps
Stupid commercials
Ireland
God's saving grace
Random acts of kindness
The smell of Babies
Hugs
Spending time with people I adore
Movies that make me think
Brushing my teeth
Being held when I'm sad
Ironing
Dreaming
Long kisses
Traveling
Reading mystery novels; because I always try to figure them out before it ends
Making people laugh
Roller Coasters
Laughing till my side hurts
A cat's wet nose
Music of all types
Funnel Cakes
Singing
The ocean
Cooking
Doing laundry
Squishing mud between my toes
The sound of my father's voice
Seeing an elderly couple hold hands and it being obvious that they still adore each other
The smell of old books
The smell of freshly cut grass
Just a few random things that I love. Don't know really why I felt like sharing this, but felt almost compelled to do so. There are so many things that I love, so many things that make me smile. It's funny to stop and think about all the small things that bring us joy in this life. So many times we dwell on the things that make us unhappy. Even as I type this, I am being bombarded in thought by things that make me scream out in anger, break down in tears or cringe, but I don't want to dwell on that. I want this year to be different, to be monumental. I am a planner. I am a list maker. I am not always a risk taker. When I pause for a moment to think about it, I may have missed out on more things that might make me smile, that ultimately might make my 'things I love' list. Some of the greatest moments, are the moments that aren't planned; moments that just occur. I want this year to be like that. That's not to say that I won't plan, because I think that is a part of my personality. What I 'plan' on doing is allowing moments to happen and then just savouring them. I wonder what it would be like if I just lived today like it was my last? Not being reckless about it, but allowing true moments to wash over me like waves at sunset? I want to really listen when someone is talking, not periodically look at my watch. I don't want to be stressed out if things don't turn out the way I 'planned' them. I want to truly allow myself to roll with the punches and enjoy it; the good with the bad. I want to relish in the humor of the everyday, of the common place. I didn't make any 'resolutions' this year. I actually think they are a little dumb, cause we never really stick to them. Instead, I want to make a life change now. Now just happens to be at the beginning of a new year, in that, I think it's purely coincidental. This is going to be fun! It will be an adventure, a growing experience, but I do believe with all my heart, that this change will ultimately bring many more moments into my life that can be added to 'the list'.
I haven't written in a long time and was bored, on my way to taking a nap actually, when this particular thought came to me: I would like to share some things that I love in no particular order. Random I know, but I am extremely random so there ya go.
Cold winter nights
Long naps
Stupid commercials
Ireland
God's saving grace
Random acts of kindness
The smell of Babies
Hugs
Spending time with people I adore
Movies that make me think
Brushing my teeth
Being held when I'm sad
Ironing
Dreaming
Long kisses
Traveling
Reading mystery novels; because I always try to figure them out before it ends
Making people laugh
Roller Coasters
Laughing till my side hurts
A cat's wet nose
Music of all types
Funnel Cakes
Singing
The ocean
Cooking
Doing laundry
Squishing mud between my toes
The sound of my father's voice
Seeing an elderly couple hold hands and it being obvious that they still adore each other
The smell of old books
The smell of freshly cut grass
Just a few random things that I love. Don't know really why I felt like sharing this, but felt almost compelled to do so. There are so many things that I love, so many things that make me smile. It's funny to stop and think about all the small things that bring us joy in this life. So many times we dwell on the things that make us unhappy. Even as I type this, I am being bombarded in thought by things that make me scream out in anger, break down in tears or cringe, but I don't want to dwell on that. I want this year to be different, to be monumental. I am a planner. I am a list maker. I am not always a risk taker. When I pause for a moment to think about it, I may have missed out on more things that might make me smile, that ultimately might make my 'things I love' list. Some of the greatest moments, are the moments that aren't planned; moments that just occur. I want this year to be like that. That's not to say that I won't plan, because I think that is a part of my personality. What I 'plan' on doing is allowing moments to happen and then just savouring them. I wonder what it would be like if I just lived today like it was my last? Not being reckless about it, but allowing true moments to wash over me like waves at sunset? I want to really listen when someone is talking, not periodically look at my watch. I don't want to be stressed out if things don't turn out the way I 'planned' them. I want to truly allow myself to roll with the punches and enjoy it; the good with the bad. I want to relish in the humor of the everyday, of the common place. I didn't make any 'resolutions' this year. I actually think they are a little dumb, cause we never really stick to them. Instead, I want to make a life change now. Now just happens to be at the beginning of a new year, in that, I think it's purely coincidental. This is going to be fun! It will be an adventure, a growing experience, but I do believe with all my heart, that this change will ultimately bring many more moments into my life that can be added to 'the list'.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saying Goodbye
Good bye...Saying that sometimes doesn't mean anything other than that you will see this person later. Sometimes, it is permanent. Sometimes, it's not because the person is dead or because they are far away, but because, staying in contact is just too painful.
There are many people in my life that I have had to say goodbye to. I remember when I was leaving Ireland, those goodbye's were the worst. My heart broke into a million pieces. I didn't think that I would ever see those folks again. I didn't think that I would ever get over the feeling of sadness that consumed me as I was saying those goodbye's. These were people that I had formed really close bonds with, people that I truly came to love, children that I had really gotten close to through the youth group and the kids that I nannied for. When I was about to get on the plane, I remember the oldest girl, who was not overly affectionate, just grabbed me and hugged me so tight. This tiny little girl who only month's earlier had lost her mother to brain cancer, was now having to say goodbye to her nanny. Oh God, how I loved them, and still do. It was so painful and even as I type this I don't know if I'm crying over the loss of her or over the loss of my dear friend.
This friend has been in my life for many, many years. Some of them, if not most of them, have been very tumultuous. We were friends in middle school, high school and started dating after we were in our 20's. We have been off and on for over 12 year's. Through it all, we have stayed in contact even when he was in other relationship's. In that phase, we were 'just friends'. We hung around with the same people, had the same love of crazy music, and could talk about anything. Funny enough though, I never really felt completely comfortable with him. I felt like I had to portray a certain part of myself, and if all of me ventured out, that I had to apologize. This would infuriate him. Later on he explained that it was because I was always apologizing for things that I didn't need to.
He has struggled with drug addiction for years, some of which have been really, really bad. On one occasion, he almost lost his life. He was shot at point blank range with a .45 caliber hand gun. All bullets, missed vital organs by millimeters. He has even had me in the mix at times, going to get him at all hours of the night to bail him out of crazy situations or bail him out period, paying off drug dealer's or when he was in a crazy manic high state. We have been through a lot, and through it all, I have remained a constant in his life; someone he could call and talk to when things were good or bad. When I love, it's unconditional, it's true and unfailing. This is very apparent with the people that are closest to me. Of which are him and my mother, funny enough, these are the two people in my life that have caused me the greatest pain and heartache. My friend and I have argued over religion, over family, over almost everything. He has caused me more heartache then I can even write about. Through it all I knew he was a good guy, just sick with addiction. I was also sick with co-dependancy...well...I still am. I'm working on that.
I have been comfortable around addicts my whole life. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household, one full of booze, pills, physical, emotional and verbal abuse, guns being shot off in my house and strange men that my mom was dating being around at all hours of the night. But it has come to my attention that you can get used to almost anything. This doesn't mean that you like it, or that you even want to be around it but that you can probably tolerate it if it is all that you know.
For the past few months I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I need to cut ties with my very dear and old friend. I just didn't have the courage to do so. I have always considered him my best friend. It seems crazy even as I type it. This person, who I have cried rivers of tears over, is my best friend. I guess it's because he has been a part of my life for so long. I have to say goodbye, not because of who he is or what he has or has not been, but because it is too painful for me. My heart would jump every time he called, wondering if it would be good or bad news. I would hear the sound of his voice and at times be comforted because that meant that I wasn't completely alone. But for months, I have also been trying to get emotionally healthy. I have joined many groups through church and have been seeing my therapist since April. I have been trying to understand the workings of my own brain, trying to figure out why I am the way that I am; why I have allowed this to consume my thoughts, actions, loyalties and priorities. This has been my obsession. I am ashamed to say that. God has not been my obsession. God has not been my priority. God has not been my passion. I have thought that I have been madly in love with God, but allowing this to consume my life is living outside of God's will. I have not been holding steadfast to God's promises, to God's truth, to God's love. I have been seeking the love of another, the love of someone that can not show me the kind of Biblical love I desire. The love of someone that God has not chosen me to have.
Tonight was the defining moment. As we were talking, he said that for our mental health, we needed to not talk anymore. He reassured me that this wasn't some kind of kiss off; i hate you, never want to talk to you again type of thing, but it needed to be a clean break so that I could move on, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. He stated that I have been living in the past and not the now. Which in some part, is true. I have tried to let go, but as he reminded me, he hasn't always allowed me to do so. He would call me when he was happy, sad, angry or wanted to talk about his significant other. He would call me when he needed something or when he felt alone. We were like a crutch for each other. Both of us have been trying to heal for quite sometime, and have realized that we don't need the 'crutches' anymore. It doesn't make it any less painful to realize this, it's the opposite, but through the pain of now, there is the hope of healing for tomorrow. He said that 'just because something is comfortable, doesn't mean that it's good for you'. That is so true, because like I said, human beings can get 'comfortable' with just about anything. He said that this was hard for him too, but that we couldn't stay in contact like we had. It dawned on me that this was a very healthy way of him showing care and love for me. He has been seeking treatment for some months now, and I hope and pray that he continues his sobriety. He is letting me go so I can really heal from our breakup. So that I can move on and focus on my life and not be totally consumed with his. This is not to say that I won't think of him often and hope that he is OK, or that I won't pray for him, this is to say that I have to 'let go and let God'. I used to think that there was something wrong with me; why can't I be friend's with him without feeling so sad? Why can't I move on? Why can't I stop crying over this loss? It's not that I'm weak or that there is something wrong with me, but sometimes, you can't be friends with an EX. Sometimes, it's not healthy for either party to do that. Sometimes, you have to say 'Goodbye'.
I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I feel very sad right now, but I know I will get through this. I have many people that care about me; that will help me get through this. This has been a 12 year cycle that I have to break. He did what I didn't have the courage to do. He has put to rest, 12 years of history, some of which were very, very bad and emotionally damaging. But I can safely say, this is a step that both of us have to make. This is a step in the right direction. I don't want to carry this into my next relationship. I want to be emotionally healthy and ready for the next phase of my life.
I am ready to lean on God's understanding. I am ready to look forward to what God has in store for me. I am ready to heal, to be mended yet again. I have said before that I am a patch work quilt. As the quilt gets worn and tattered, at times it needs to be mended. I have had to be mended often. I am ready for God to take control. I am ready...to say 'goodbye dear friend, goodbye'.
There are many people in my life that I have had to say goodbye to. I remember when I was leaving Ireland, those goodbye's were the worst. My heart broke into a million pieces. I didn't think that I would ever see those folks again. I didn't think that I would ever get over the feeling of sadness that consumed me as I was saying those goodbye's. These were people that I had formed really close bonds with, people that I truly came to love, children that I had really gotten close to through the youth group and the kids that I nannied for. When I was about to get on the plane, I remember the oldest girl, who was not overly affectionate, just grabbed me and hugged me so tight. This tiny little girl who only month's earlier had lost her mother to brain cancer, was now having to say goodbye to her nanny. Oh God, how I loved them, and still do. It was so painful and even as I type this I don't know if I'm crying over the loss of her or over the loss of my dear friend.
This friend has been in my life for many, many years. Some of them, if not most of them, have been very tumultuous. We were friends in middle school, high school and started dating after we were in our 20's. We have been off and on for over 12 year's. Through it all, we have stayed in contact even when he was in other relationship's. In that phase, we were 'just friends'. We hung around with the same people, had the same love of crazy music, and could talk about anything. Funny enough though, I never really felt completely comfortable with him. I felt like I had to portray a certain part of myself, and if all of me ventured out, that I had to apologize. This would infuriate him. Later on he explained that it was because I was always apologizing for things that I didn't need to.
He has struggled with drug addiction for years, some of which have been really, really bad. On one occasion, he almost lost his life. He was shot at point blank range with a .45 caliber hand gun. All bullets, missed vital organs by millimeters. He has even had me in the mix at times, going to get him at all hours of the night to bail him out of crazy situations or bail him out period, paying off drug dealer's or when he was in a crazy manic high state. We have been through a lot, and through it all, I have remained a constant in his life; someone he could call and talk to when things were good or bad. When I love, it's unconditional, it's true and unfailing. This is very apparent with the people that are closest to me. Of which are him and my mother, funny enough, these are the two people in my life that have caused me the greatest pain and heartache. My friend and I have argued over religion, over family, over almost everything. He has caused me more heartache then I can even write about. Through it all I knew he was a good guy, just sick with addiction. I was also sick with co-dependancy...well...I still am. I'm working on that.
I have been comfortable around addicts my whole life. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household, one full of booze, pills, physical, emotional and verbal abuse, guns being shot off in my house and strange men that my mom was dating being around at all hours of the night. But it has come to my attention that you can get used to almost anything. This doesn't mean that you like it, or that you even want to be around it but that you can probably tolerate it if it is all that you know.
For the past few months I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I need to cut ties with my very dear and old friend. I just didn't have the courage to do so. I have always considered him my best friend. It seems crazy even as I type it. This person, who I have cried rivers of tears over, is my best friend. I guess it's because he has been a part of my life for so long. I have to say goodbye, not because of who he is or what he has or has not been, but because it is too painful for me. My heart would jump every time he called, wondering if it would be good or bad news. I would hear the sound of his voice and at times be comforted because that meant that I wasn't completely alone. But for months, I have also been trying to get emotionally healthy. I have joined many groups through church and have been seeing my therapist since April. I have been trying to understand the workings of my own brain, trying to figure out why I am the way that I am; why I have allowed this to consume my thoughts, actions, loyalties and priorities. This has been my obsession. I am ashamed to say that. God has not been my obsession. God has not been my priority. God has not been my passion. I have thought that I have been madly in love with God, but allowing this to consume my life is living outside of God's will. I have not been holding steadfast to God's promises, to God's truth, to God's love. I have been seeking the love of another, the love of someone that can not show me the kind of Biblical love I desire. The love of someone that God has not chosen me to have.
Tonight was the defining moment. As we were talking, he said that for our mental health, we needed to not talk anymore. He reassured me that this wasn't some kind of kiss off; i hate you, never want to talk to you again type of thing, but it needed to be a clean break so that I could move on, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. He stated that I have been living in the past and not the now. Which in some part, is true. I have tried to let go, but as he reminded me, he hasn't always allowed me to do so. He would call me when he was happy, sad, angry or wanted to talk about his significant other. He would call me when he needed something or when he felt alone. We were like a crutch for each other. Both of us have been trying to heal for quite sometime, and have realized that we don't need the 'crutches' anymore. It doesn't make it any less painful to realize this, it's the opposite, but through the pain of now, there is the hope of healing for tomorrow. He said that 'just because something is comfortable, doesn't mean that it's good for you'. That is so true, because like I said, human beings can get 'comfortable' with just about anything. He said that this was hard for him too, but that we couldn't stay in contact like we had. It dawned on me that this was a very healthy way of him showing care and love for me. He has been seeking treatment for some months now, and I hope and pray that he continues his sobriety. He is letting me go so I can really heal from our breakup. So that I can move on and focus on my life and not be totally consumed with his. This is not to say that I won't think of him often and hope that he is OK, or that I won't pray for him, this is to say that I have to 'let go and let God'. I used to think that there was something wrong with me; why can't I be friend's with him without feeling so sad? Why can't I move on? Why can't I stop crying over this loss? It's not that I'm weak or that there is something wrong with me, but sometimes, you can't be friends with an EX. Sometimes, it's not healthy for either party to do that. Sometimes, you have to say 'Goodbye'.
I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I feel very sad right now, but I know I will get through this. I have many people that care about me; that will help me get through this. This has been a 12 year cycle that I have to break. He did what I didn't have the courage to do. He has put to rest, 12 years of history, some of which were very, very bad and emotionally damaging. But I can safely say, this is a step that both of us have to make. This is a step in the right direction. I don't want to carry this into my next relationship. I want to be emotionally healthy and ready for the next phase of my life.
I am ready to lean on God's understanding. I am ready to look forward to what God has in store for me. I am ready to heal, to be mended yet again. I have said before that I am a patch work quilt. As the quilt gets worn and tattered, at times it needs to be mended. I have had to be mended often. I am ready for God to take control. I am ready...to say 'goodbye dear friend, goodbye'.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
"To Covet"
What does it mean to covet? Well the Webster's dictionary explains it as: to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably. I have been guilty of this sin on numerous occasions. I remember a particular instance in middle school. There was this girl named Beth that seemed to have everything that I wanted. This was during the mid eighties when skating was really 'in'. It's funny that it is 'in' once again. They say it's all cyclical and I am beginning to believe it. Well anyway, she hung with all the skater's. She was cool. Her hair was always perfect. She always had the really nice gear. She was popular at school and away from school. She lived in a nice house and had nice things. I used to really be jealous of her. Not in a way where I used to plot against her or anything, just that, I really wanted her life. I really wanted to 'be' her. I was not satisfied with myself or what I had.
I was made fun of in school by the preppies and the elite. My friends were the freaks and the geeks. I didn't have the latest clothes, hair or trinkets. I would get excited when my aunt would come over the house and bring me a trash bag full of clothes from yard sales. This was before it was 'cool' to shop at a thrift store or go to yard sales. I remember one time a girl came up to me and said she liked my shirt. I was like, 'For real?' and she said, 'yeah! Didn't you get it from Kmart Fall Apart?" I thought I would die. But like I had been conditioned to do for years, I cracked a joke smiled and had everyone laughing with me instead of 'at' me. I wasn't EVER going to let them see me cry. I was 'strong'. I would NEVER show any 'weakness'. I never really had anyone over to my house unless they were really really close friends. Because I never had snacks to give them, or a clean place for them to sit. We had roaches really bad at one point and if I got up in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen to get something to drink, I would always remember to put shoes on. When I would flick on the light, the floor would seem to move from them all scattering from the light. To this day I watch cereal as I pour it, because when I was young, they would be in the Toasted Oat Hoops. I HATED it!!! I wanted to be anyone but me. I used to day dream about it constantly.
I have been guilty of this yet again. My really good friend Tanya had a baby shower yesterday. She was and is one of the really close friends that would come over to my house and chill with me back in the day. She understood. She came from the same background as me. She was from the projects too. My friends Kristy, Melissa and I planned it for over a month. The food, the games, the gifts, the invitations, the decorations, all of it was planned with a great deal of love and effort. This is Tanya's first child and she is so excited about it. We all are. I honestly can't wait to babysit. Tanya was thought to always be like me, single and free (free being the operative word here). If I ever wanted to go out and have a drink and sing Karaoke, I would call Tanya and she was always up for it. She is so fun and spontaneous, and FUNNY! She can get anyone laughing. Now she won't be able to do that. That is not what is upsetting me though. It's that she is going to have a family and I am the last one as always. I know I'm whining but it really upsets me. It really hit me yesterday. We were in the middle of watching her open gifts and I was writing it all down so she would remember who gave her what, and I felt a tremendous sadness overcome me. A sadness that I have felt many time these last few months. I felt like I would burst into tears at any moment. I could always chalk it up to happiness over the baby, but I was afraid that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop, so like I often do, I stuffed it. Then later a girl that I used to go to high school with (Tanya's cousin), innocently enough asked me if I had any kids. Which I replied 'No'. She said, 'where is your husband'? To which I replied 'I've never been married, I've travelled a lot and guess I just haven't had time'. She had this look on her face of pity and just said 'wow, that's weird'. I know she didn't mean to be hurtful, she was just asking the questions everyone asks but it really started me on an emotional roller coaster. Then later her sister asked me 'Hey man it's Saturday night are you and your boyfriend going out anywhere'? To which I replied, 'I don't have a boyfriend'. She was like 'oh that's cool, so what are you doing tonight..are you gonna party?' To which I replied, 'I'm gonna go home and hang out with my cat'. She just started laughing and then it dawned on me that she thought I was kidding so I did the only think I could think of and started laughing with her and continued the charade that I was 'kidding'.
Later that night it dawned on me why I was so upset earlier at the baby shower. I am jealous of my really good friend and of her happiness. I covet her joy. I am mad as hell about it sometimes. Sometimes I think that I am unlovable and that is why I am alone. I am the only one from my 'clique' in school that is not married or at least with someone and the only one without kids. Even some of my gay friends have kids. The funny thing is, this has only started to bother me lately. People would ask me all the time if I would have kids and my reply was I am the eternal auntie. I will borrow them, fill them full of chocolate, take them to the movies or the amusement park, but borrowing them signifies that I can give them back. I love children but I have never seen myself as a mother (well the actual giving birth kind). I have had dozens of people tell me that I would be a good one but I worry that I would be too over protective and be a helicopter mom or that I would spoil them rotten. The same goes for marriage. I have never seen myself as the marrying type. I have so many quirks and oddities about me, I would think that no man would accept those things about me. For one thing that is a really big commitment and it's really expensive to plan a wedding. But when I really think about it. I do want those things. I want the 'American Dream'. Not necessarily the picket fence, but something close anyway. Well maybe at least his and her's bath towels; fences are so confineing. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older that I'm thinking about this, or if it's because lately I have really had to deal with my feelings and not 'pretend' anymore. I can't be real if I pretend all the time.
All of this is part of a journey. Sometimes I wish it would end but God has a reason for me being on this journey. There has to be a reason right? Is he preparing me for something or someone? Is he preparing my heart to be content with singleness? I thought about that earlier. I have some professors from college that are still single and they are in their 60's. I really don't think I could handle that! I know that I have to trust God and remember his promises, but my humanness seeps in, and it scares me to death! I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. I don't want to be the one that is always planning for other people's weddings, engagement parties, anniversary parties or baby shower's. I would like to be one of the happy few that is attending these festivities because I am the guest of honor.
Romans 7:7-13
7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."[b] 8But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
Philippians 4:10-13
10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I pray that God molds my heart so that I am content. I pray that God brings peace to this situation and forgives me for having covetous thoughts in my heart. Someone recently told me that a blessing before you are ready for it, it really a curse. Maybe God is preparing as I type so that what he is preparing me for is truly a blessing. Thank you God for listening. Thank you God for your provisions. Forgive me for being petty. Forgive me for not trusting that you have a plan.
I was made fun of in school by the preppies and the elite. My friends were the freaks and the geeks. I didn't have the latest clothes, hair or trinkets. I would get excited when my aunt would come over the house and bring me a trash bag full of clothes from yard sales. This was before it was 'cool' to shop at a thrift store or go to yard sales. I remember one time a girl came up to me and said she liked my shirt. I was like, 'For real?' and she said, 'yeah! Didn't you get it from Kmart Fall Apart?" I thought I would die. But like I had been conditioned to do for years, I cracked a joke smiled and had everyone laughing with me instead of 'at' me. I wasn't EVER going to let them see me cry. I was 'strong'. I would NEVER show any 'weakness'. I never really had anyone over to my house unless they were really really close friends. Because I never had snacks to give them, or a clean place for them to sit. We had roaches really bad at one point and if I got up in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen to get something to drink, I would always remember to put shoes on. When I would flick on the light, the floor would seem to move from them all scattering from the light. To this day I watch cereal as I pour it, because when I was young, they would be in the Toasted Oat Hoops. I HATED it!!! I wanted to be anyone but me. I used to day dream about it constantly.
I have been guilty of this yet again. My really good friend Tanya had a baby shower yesterday. She was and is one of the really close friends that would come over to my house and chill with me back in the day. She understood. She came from the same background as me. She was from the projects too. My friends Kristy, Melissa and I planned it for over a month. The food, the games, the gifts, the invitations, the decorations, all of it was planned with a great deal of love and effort. This is Tanya's first child and she is so excited about it. We all are. I honestly can't wait to babysit. Tanya was thought to always be like me, single and free (free being the operative word here). If I ever wanted to go out and have a drink and sing Karaoke, I would call Tanya and she was always up for it. She is so fun and spontaneous, and FUNNY! She can get anyone laughing. Now she won't be able to do that. That is not what is upsetting me though. It's that she is going to have a family and I am the last one as always. I know I'm whining but it really upsets me. It really hit me yesterday. We were in the middle of watching her open gifts and I was writing it all down so she would remember who gave her what, and I felt a tremendous sadness overcome me. A sadness that I have felt many time these last few months. I felt like I would burst into tears at any moment. I could always chalk it up to happiness over the baby, but I was afraid that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop, so like I often do, I stuffed it. Then later a girl that I used to go to high school with (Tanya's cousin), innocently enough asked me if I had any kids. Which I replied 'No'. She said, 'where is your husband'? To which I replied 'I've never been married, I've travelled a lot and guess I just haven't had time'. She had this look on her face of pity and just said 'wow, that's weird'. I know she didn't mean to be hurtful, she was just asking the questions everyone asks but it really started me on an emotional roller coaster. Then later her sister asked me 'Hey man it's Saturday night are you and your boyfriend going out anywhere'? To which I replied, 'I don't have a boyfriend'. She was like 'oh that's cool, so what are you doing tonight..are you gonna party?' To which I replied, 'I'm gonna go home and hang out with my cat'. She just started laughing and then it dawned on me that she thought I was kidding so I did the only think I could think of and started laughing with her and continued the charade that I was 'kidding'.
Later that night it dawned on me why I was so upset earlier at the baby shower. I am jealous of my really good friend and of her happiness. I covet her joy. I am mad as hell about it sometimes. Sometimes I think that I am unlovable and that is why I am alone. I am the only one from my 'clique' in school that is not married or at least with someone and the only one without kids. Even some of my gay friends have kids. The funny thing is, this has only started to bother me lately. People would ask me all the time if I would have kids and my reply was I am the eternal auntie. I will borrow them, fill them full of chocolate, take them to the movies or the amusement park, but borrowing them signifies that I can give them back. I love children but I have never seen myself as a mother (well the actual giving birth kind). I have had dozens of people tell me that I would be a good one but I worry that I would be too over protective and be a helicopter mom or that I would spoil them rotten. The same goes for marriage. I have never seen myself as the marrying type. I have so many quirks and oddities about me, I would think that no man would accept those things about me. For one thing that is a really big commitment and it's really expensive to plan a wedding. But when I really think about it. I do want those things. I want the 'American Dream'. Not necessarily the picket fence, but something close anyway. Well maybe at least his and her's bath towels; fences are so confineing. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older that I'm thinking about this, or if it's because lately I have really had to deal with my feelings and not 'pretend' anymore. I can't be real if I pretend all the time.
All of this is part of a journey. Sometimes I wish it would end but God has a reason for me being on this journey. There has to be a reason right? Is he preparing me for something or someone? Is he preparing my heart to be content with singleness? I thought about that earlier. I have some professors from college that are still single and they are in their 60's. I really don't think I could handle that! I know that I have to trust God and remember his promises, but my humanness seeps in, and it scares me to death! I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. I don't want to be the one that is always planning for other people's weddings, engagement parties, anniversary parties or baby shower's. I would like to be one of the happy few that is attending these festivities because I am the guest of honor.
Romans 7:7-13
7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."[b] 8But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
Philippians 4:10-13
10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I pray that God molds my heart so that I am content. I pray that God brings peace to this situation and forgives me for having covetous thoughts in my heart. Someone recently told me that a blessing before you are ready for it, it really a curse. Maybe God is preparing as I type so that what he is preparing me for is truly a blessing. Thank you God for listening. Thank you God for your provisions. Forgive me for being petty. Forgive me for not trusting that you have a plan.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Understanding Self
I sit here...having just created this blog. I have been told by many that this a way to heal, explore and just pour out your emotions. I have had one hell of a year. I have had a lot of big things happen and have come to terms with the realization that I have a lot of growing to do both within myself and most importantly, spiritually. Being a Christian puts me in a box but it is a box that I am very happy to be in...sometimes.
I don't remember playing in the sandbox as a child but I do remember visiting Nags Head often. I have always felt at home at the beach. Even as a small child, I felt a kinship with the ocean. The peacefulness of it always attracted me. I guess because I didn't have much peace at home. The smell of the salt water and the sound of the gulls overhead. I would spend hours on the beach, either with family or alone. The times alone are what I remember the most. Sometimes I would wish that I could turn into a mermaid and swim away. For as long as I can remember I have always just wanted to be...away. I just recently told someone that I have had a packed bag in my car until recently, because I always wanted to be ready...to leave. I have always just chalked it up to having gypsy blood, but the more time I spend alone it has dawned on me that is why I want to be away, I don't want to be alone.
I have spent a great deal of time this year alone. Some of it I have enjoyed. Sleeping late, not having anywhere to go and just being a couch potato. Curling up with a good book while I scratch my cat Dude behind the ears and listen to him purr. But at times, I have really felt depressed at being alone. Not having anyone to come home to is starting to really get on my nerves. I have never really lived alone. I have either lived with family, roommates, dorm mates or boyfriends. I used to think I loved being a loner but I was just lying to myself. I have been doing that a lot for a lot of years. Just this year I have realized that in order to really know yourself and grow as a person, you have to be honest with yourself. I don't like just BEING with myself. Because then, I have to really listen to the dialogue in my head. I have to really be honest about my feelings and not just put a smile on and 'perform' for the masses. When I am alone I am 'real'. That is some scary stuff. It's scary to me to be real with myself because then, I have to change. I don't deal well with change, especially within myself. Physically I can change and be OK with it. But no one wants to realize that they have some kind of personality flaw. People naturally think that they are great; if they are a good person, they assume that they are always good. When you realize that you have a 'flaw', you then have to think, 'is this something I need to change, or is this something that makes me the way that I am'? I have realized that there are a lot of things about myself that I want to change.
1. I am controlling
2. I have major anxiety when I am not in control
3. I do not usually own my emotions. I try to stuff them down.
4. I say that I'm going to do things, and never do them. Thus I am a liar.
5. I definitely do not have the relationship with God that I need to have.
These are only a few of the things that I have discovered about myself this year. I am ready to change. I am ready to take the steps I need to, to grow, to blossom. I want to be able to 'stay'. I have run for to long and my legs are tired. I am 32 years old. It is time to become the woman that God intended me to be. Time...that is a funny word. We think we have all the time in the world don't we? My mom used to say 'Nicole, as you get older, the faster time goes!' She wasn't kidding. The time I need to focus on is now! I need to live in the now. I need to do what I need to do today to fulfill God's purpose. I can't wait till tomorrow, for we are not promised tomorrow.
The beach...is my box...my sand box so to speak. It's God's big sand box. That signify's to me that His power is limitless. It's not confining. I have freedom in Christ, not shackles. I need to remind myself of that when I want to take off and run. I need to remember that I am not a prisoner when I call myself a Christian. I am NO LONGER a prisoner BECAUSE of my Christianity. I am ready to be put in the 'box'. I am ready for God to present me the way he intended for me to be. A beautiful child of God, on that beach, looking out at His creation, listening to what he has to say.
I don't remember playing in the sandbox as a child but I do remember visiting Nags Head often. I have always felt at home at the beach. Even as a small child, I felt a kinship with the ocean. The peacefulness of it always attracted me. I guess because I didn't have much peace at home. The smell of the salt water and the sound of the gulls overhead. I would spend hours on the beach, either with family or alone. The times alone are what I remember the most. Sometimes I would wish that I could turn into a mermaid and swim away. For as long as I can remember I have always just wanted to be...away. I just recently told someone that I have had a packed bag in my car until recently, because I always wanted to be ready...to leave. I have always just chalked it up to having gypsy blood, but the more time I spend alone it has dawned on me that is why I want to be away, I don't want to be alone.
I have spent a great deal of time this year alone. Some of it I have enjoyed. Sleeping late, not having anywhere to go and just being a couch potato. Curling up with a good book while I scratch my cat Dude behind the ears and listen to him purr. But at times, I have really felt depressed at being alone. Not having anyone to come home to is starting to really get on my nerves. I have never really lived alone. I have either lived with family, roommates, dorm mates or boyfriends. I used to think I loved being a loner but I was just lying to myself. I have been doing that a lot for a lot of years. Just this year I have realized that in order to really know yourself and grow as a person, you have to be honest with yourself. I don't like just BEING with myself. Because then, I have to really listen to the dialogue in my head. I have to really be honest about my feelings and not just put a smile on and 'perform' for the masses. When I am alone I am 'real'. That is some scary stuff. It's scary to me to be real with myself because then, I have to change. I don't deal well with change, especially within myself. Physically I can change and be OK with it. But no one wants to realize that they have some kind of personality flaw. People naturally think that they are great; if they are a good person, they assume that they are always good. When you realize that you have a 'flaw', you then have to think, 'is this something I need to change, or is this something that makes me the way that I am'? I have realized that there are a lot of things about myself that I want to change.
1. I am controlling
2. I have major anxiety when I am not in control
3. I do not usually own my emotions. I try to stuff them down.
4. I say that I'm going to do things, and never do them. Thus I am a liar.
5. I definitely do not have the relationship with God that I need to have.
These are only a few of the things that I have discovered about myself this year. I am ready to change. I am ready to take the steps I need to, to grow, to blossom. I want to be able to 'stay'. I have run for to long and my legs are tired. I am 32 years old. It is time to become the woman that God intended me to be. Time...that is a funny word. We think we have all the time in the world don't we? My mom used to say 'Nicole, as you get older, the faster time goes!' She wasn't kidding. The time I need to focus on is now! I need to live in the now. I need to do what I need to do today to fulfill God's purpose. I can't wait till tomorrow, for we are not promised tomorrow.
The beach...is my box...my sand box so to speak. It's God's big sand box. That signify's to me that His power is limitless. It's not confining. I have freedom in Christ, not shackles. I need to remind myself of that when I want to take off and run. I need to remember that I am not a prisoner when I call myself a Christian. I am NO LONGER a prisoner BECAUSE of my Christianity. I am ready to be put in the 'box'. I am ready for God to present me the way he intended for me to be. A beautiful child of God, on that beach, looking out at His creation, listening to what he has to say.
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