Dad, why is it so hard for us to believe that we are beautiful? We can call something that you say or do as beautiful. We can say that other's are beautiful, mountains, sunsets, paintings etc...but when it comes to ourselves; it is so hard to believe.
When we do stupid stuff or when we have been through hell and back...some of which may have caused major scars, we take it out on ourselves. Sometimes we need to take responsibility for the consequences of said behavior, but it doesn't necessarily make us less beautiful. When I stop to think about it, it's hard for me to comprehend what you did for us...let alone for me.
You made me in your likeness. I call you beautiful, so why is it so hard to believe that I myself am? It's not like I think that all the time, but most of time, the thought creeps in there. I don't like myself a lot of the time. I know many, many people who do not like themselves. It's not that we are 'bad' people, sometimes we do bad stuff, or say stupid things, but in the long run...we are beautiful.
I think a lot of the time, if we are not close to you like we should be, this is when it's the worst. When you surround yourself with good, you become a reflection of that. I guess that is why so many 'earthly' parents say they don't want you hanging with the wrong crowd, doing things that could hurt you, listening to music that is hateful, etc...because the longer you are around negative things, you project negativity. We are sponges aren't we Dad? You created us though, to soak you up. I'm sorry that we ignore you most of the time. I'm sorry that we choose to soak in the things of this world that aren't a reflection of you.
Please help me Dad. Help me to be a better daughter. I want to listen to you more than those around me that aren't positive. Sometimes I feel like a lost little girl. No matter how many times I have wandered off, you have always found me and kissed my boo boo's. I love you Daddy. I want to make you proud. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to help other's to stop feeling this way. I want us all to realize how precious, valuable and lovely we are even through all the mistakes, the bruises, the crap that we have allowed to consume us. Help us to draw near to you, so that we can easily reflect your beauty...so when we look in the mirror...we see you...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Perpetual 'Friend'
A lot of people I know blog about things that are Biblical...or theological of some sort. I don't always do that. This will be a blog rant of sorts and will maybe have a thought in there somewhere that can be viewed as Christ like. I would hope that if you call yourself a 'Christian', that God is in your thoughts...period.
I am a 33 year old, single, lonely woman. That was made painfully clear as I laid in my bed sick as a dog this past week. I had dear friends call me or text me to make sure I was still breathing but in actuality, if I had passed from this world...no one would have known for quite some time. You might think that is a little melodramatic...but truly it was a thought that crossed my mind. I probably would have ended up being the woman that her cat had eaten half her face off of...i remember hearing that in an episode of 'Sex and the City' and remember thinking, that is far fetched, but in reality it is not so much.
Everyone that I am close too says that I am terrific. That I am beautiful and have a lot to offer someone. That I am funny, compassionate, loving blah blah blah. Then why the hell am I still single! I actually had someone tell me recently that I should bar hop and have guilt free sex in order to boost my self-esteem that I need to 'put myself out there...don't be a whore or anything but if you don't play occasionally how can you expect to win the game' I was like...ummm...wouldn't that constitute as a form of self-loathing? I am met with these oxymoron's on many occasions.
I have always been the perpetual 'friend'. I have always had many many male friends and hardly any boyfriends. If I do have a boyfriend he is usually crazy. I am the girl that loves UFC, loves video game's...loves to be active, is not very girly and gives good advice to my male friends when they call with 'girl type' issues. I have always tried to find beauty in peoples flaws but have felt like I have never had that reciprocated. I began a weight loss journey a couple of years ago and have yet to reach my goal. It is a work in progress...sometimes my progress is slow. Some may think...weight has nothing to do with it...ummm...yes it does...I mean let's get real here. I thought that if I improved my physical appearance...I would attract some nice men. In reality I have just made more male 'friends'. This is not a bad thing but it is a frustrating thing. I am beginning to think that there is really something wrong with this picture.
Several people have said, 'once you stop looking for it, it will find you'...that's a load of CRAP! I had a 'breakthrough' of sorts the other day. I am still too fat. That is the only logical explanation I have. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...so does that mean I'm ugly? Because I am still rejected. I am still not good enough to 'date'. I'm good enough to hang out with...talk to...share things with...but I am evidently not good enough to pursue any type of relationship with. Many say I am...but evidently I am still not pleasing to the eye. If you say that physical appearance is not important than you are a bloody liar! Many may disagree and think that I am insane for thinking this but when you have one of your male 'friends' who is single as well...say...'I wish I could find a girl like you'....it makes you think...then what the hell is wrong with me....I am right here!?!? Evidently if you think that I am the 'bomb' evidently I am still inadequate to you because you don't want to date 'me'...you want someone like 'me'....here go the oxymoron's again.
It is very hurtful to realize that you are not enough. That is all I have ever wanted to be. I want to be 'enough' for someone. While I was laying in the bed the other day, barely able to lift my head...it became so apparent to me...Nicole are alone. God is there...that is not what I mean...but is God going to materialize and put a wet cloth on my head...not exactly. I mean that in the purest sense...I am ALONE. Does God want me to be alone? I am beginning to think so and that makes me angry. My heart crys out to him that I don't want to be. I want someone to share my life with...to laugh with...cry with...dream with...build a life with...for someone to bring me soup...put a cool cloth to my head...spoon me to keep me warm. I have made a vow to myself that I will do all things in my power to better myself...if it doesn't work...then I give up. In the end I may be alone, but I will be a better person for it. I'm just sick of trying...I'm sick of waiting...I'm sick of being patient...I'm sick of being the perpetual 'friend'.
I am a 33 year old, single, lonely woman. That was made painfully clear as I laid in my bed sick as a dog this past week. I had dear friends call me or text me to make sure I was still breathing but in actuality, if I had passed from this world...no one would have known for quite some time. You might think that is a little melodramatic...but truly it was a thought that crossed my mind. I probably would have ended up being the woman that her cat had eaten half her face off of...i remember hearing that in an episode of 'Sex and the City' and remember thinking, that is far fetched, but in reality it is not so much.
Everyone that I am close too says that I am terrific. That I am beautiful and have a lot to offer someone. That I am funny, compassionate, loving blah blah blah. Then why the hell am I still single! I actually had someone tell me recently that I should bar hop and have guilt free sex in order to boost my self-esteem that I need to 'put myself out there...don't be a whore or anything but if you don't play occasionally how can you expect to win the game' I was like...ummm...wouldn't that constitute as a form of self-loathing? I am met with these oxymoron's on many occasions.
I have always been the perpetual 'friend'. I have always had many many male friends and hardly any boyfriends. If I do have a boyfriend he is usually crazy. I am the girl that loves UFC, loves video game's...loves to be active, is not very girly and gives good advice to my male friends when they call with 'girl type' issues. I have always tried to find beauty in peoples flaws but have felt like I have never had that reciprocated. I began a weight loss journey a couple of years ago and have yet to reach my goal. It is a work in progress...sometimes my progress is slow. Some may think...weight has nothing to do with it...ummm...yes it does...I mean let's get real here. I thought that if I improved my physical appearance...I would attract some nice men. In reality I have just made more male 'friends'. This is not a bad thing but it is a frustrating thing. I am beginning to think that there is really something wrong with this picture.
Several people have said, 'once you stop looking for it, it will find you'...that's a load of CRAP! I had a 'breakthrough' of sorts the other day. I am still too fat. That is the only logical explanation I have. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...so does that mean I'm ugly? Because I am still rejected. I am still not good enough to 'date'. I'm good enough to hang out with...talk to...share things with...but I am evidently not good enough to pursue any type of relationship with. Many say I am...but evidently I am still not pleasing to the eye. If you say that physical appearance is not important than you are a bloody liar! Many may disagree and think that I am insane for thinking this but when you have one of your male 'friends' who is single as well...say...'I wish I could find a girl like you'....it makes you think...then what the hell is wrong with me....I am right here!?!? Evidently if you think that I am the 'bomb' evidently I am still inadequate to you because you don't want to date 'me'...you want someone like 'me'....here go the oxymoron's again.
It is very hurtful to realize that you are not enough. That is all I have ever wanted to be. I want to be 'enough' for someone. While I was laying in the bed the other day, barely able to lift my head...it became so apparent to me...Nicole are alone. God is there...that is not what I mean...but is God going to materialize and put a wet cloth on my head...not exactly. I mean that in the purest sense...I am ALONE. Does God want me to be alone? I am beginning to think so and that makes me angry. My heart crys out to him that I don't want to be. I want someone to share my life with...to laugh with...cry with...dream with...build a life with...for someone to bring me soup...put a cool cloth to my head...spoon me to keep me warm. I have made a vow to myself that I will do all things in my power to better myself...if it doesn't work...then I give up. In the end I may be alone, but I will be a better person for it. I'm just sick of trying...I'm sick of waiting...I'm sick of being patient...I'm sick of being the perpetual 'friend'.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Things I Love
One definition of love: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
I haven't written in a long time and was bored, on my way to taking a nap actually, when this particular thought came to me: I would like to share some things that I love in no particular order. Random I know, but I am extremely random so there ya go.
Cold winter nights
Long naps
Stupid commercials
Ireland
God's saving grace
Random acts of kindness
The smell of Babies
Hugs
Spending time with people I adore
Movies that make me think
Brushing my teeth
Being held when I'm sad
Ironing
Dreaming
Long kisses
Traveling
Reading mystery novels; because I always try to figure them out before it ends
Making people laugh
Roller Coasters
Laughing till my side hurts
A cat's wet nose
Music of all types
Funnel Cakes
Singing
The ocean
Cooking
Doing laundry
Squishing mud between my toes
The sound of my father's voice
Seeing an elderly couple hold hands and it being obvious that they still adore each other
The smell of old books
The smell of freshly cut grass
Just a few random things that I love. Don't know really why I felt like sharing this, but felt almost compelled to do so. There are so many things that I love, so many things that make me smile. It's funny to stop and think about all the small things that bring us joy in this life. So many times we dwell on the things that make us unhappy. Even as I type this, I am being bombarded in thought by things that make me scream out in anger, break down in tears or cringe, but I don't want to dwell on that. I want this year to be different, to be monumental. I am a planner. I am a list maker. I am not always a risk taker. When I pause for a moment to think about it, I may have missed out on more things that might make me smile, that ultimately might make my 'things I love' list. Some of the greatest moments, are the moments that aren't planned; moments that just occur. I want this year to be like that. That's not to say that I won't plan, because I think that is a part of my personality. What I 'plan' on doing is allowing moments to happen and then just savouring them. I wonder what it would be like if I just lived today like it was my last? Not being reckless about it, but allowing true moments to wash over me like waves at sunset? I want to really listen when someone is talking, not periodically look at my watch. I don't want to be stressed out if things don't turn out the way I 'planned' them. I want to truly allow myself to roll with the punches and enjoy it; the good with the bad. I want to relish in the humor of the everyday, of the common place. I didn't make any 'resolutions' this year. I actually think they are a little dumb, cause we never really stick to them. Instead, I want to make a life change now. Now just happens to be at the beginning of a new year, in that, I think it's purely coincidental. This is going to be fun! It will be an adventure, a growing experience, but I do believe with all my heart, that this change will ultimately bring many more moments into my life that can be added to 'the list'.
I haven't written in a long time and was bored, on my way to taking a nap actually, when this particular thought came to me: I would like to share some things that I love in no particular order. Random I know, but I am extremely random so there ya go.
Cold winter nights
Long naps
Stupid commercials
Ireland
God's saving grace
Random acts of kindness
The smell of Babies
Hugs
Spending time with people I adore
Movies that make me think
Brushing my teeth
Being held when I'm sad
Ironing
Dreaming
Long kisses
Traveling
Reading mystery novels; because I always try to figure them out before it ends
Making people laugh
Roller Coasters
Laughing till my side hurts
A cat's wet nose
Music of all types
Funnel Cakes
Singing
The ocean
Cooking
Doing laundry
Squishing mud between my toes
The sound of my father's voice
Seeing an elderly couple hold hands and it being obvious that they still adore each other
The smell of old books
The smell of freshly cut grass
Just a few random things that I love. Don't know really why I felt like sharing this, but felt almost compelled to do so. There are so many things that I love, so many things that make me smile. It's funny to stop and think about all the small things that bring us joy in this life. So many times we dwell on the things that make us unhappy. Even as I type this, I am being bombarded in thought by things that make me scream out in anger, break down in tears or cringe, but I don't want to dwell on that. I want this year to be different, to be monumental. I am a planner. I am a list maker. I am not always a risk taker. When I pause for a moment to think about it, I may have missed out on more things that might make me smile, that ultimately might make my 'things I love' list. Some of the greatest moments, are the moments that aren't planned; moments that just occur. I want this year to be like that. That's not to say that I won't plan, because I think that is a part of my personality. What I 'plan' on doing is allowing moments to happen and then just savouring them. I wonder what it would be like if I just lived today like it was my last? Not being reckless about it, but allowing true moments to wash over me like waves at sunset? I want to really listen when someone is talking, not periodically look at my watch. I don't want to be stressed out if things don't turn out the way I 'planned' them. I want to truly allow myself to roll with the punches and enjoy it; the good with the bad. I want to relish in the humor of the everyday, of the common place. I didn't make any 'resolutions' this year. I actually think they are a little dumb, cause we never really stick to them. Instead, I want to make a life change now. Now just happens to be at the beginning of a new year, in that, I think it's purely coincidental. This is going to be fun! It will be an adventure, a growing experience, but I do believe with all my heart, that this change will ultimately bring many more moments into my life that can be added to 'the list'.
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