Understanding Self

I sit here...having just created this blog. I have been told by many that this a way to heal, explore and just pour out your emotions. I have had one hell of a year. I have had a lot of big things happen and have come to terms with the realization that I have a lot of growing to do both within myself and most importantly, spiritually. Being a Christian puts me in a box but it is a box that I am very happy to be in...sometimes.

I don't remember playing in the sandbox as a child but I do remember visiting Nags Head often. I have always felt at home at the beach. Even as a small child, I felt a kinship with the ocean. The peacefulness of it always attracted me. I guess because I didn't have much peace at home. The smell of the salt water and the sound of the gulls overhead. I would spend hours on the beach, either with family or alone. The times alone are what I remember the most. Sometimes I would wish that I could turn into a mermaid and swim away. For as long as I can remember I have always just wanted to be...away. I just recently told someone that I have had a packed bag in my car until recently, because I always wanted to be ready...to leave. I have always just chalked it up to having gypsy blood, but the more time I spend alone it has dawned on me that is why I want to be away, I don't want to be alone.

I have spent a great deal of time this year alone. Some of it I have enjoyed. Sleeping late, not having anywhere to go and just being a couch potato. Curling up with a good book while I scratch my cat Dude behind the ears and listen to him purr. But at times, I have really felt depressed at being alone. Not having anyone to come home to is starting to really get on my nerves. I have never really lived alone. I have either lived with family, roommates, dorm mates or boyfriends. I used to think I loved being a loner but I was just lying to myself. I have been doing that a lot for a lot of years. Just this year I have realized that in order to really know yourself and grow as a person, you have to be honest with yourself. I don't like just BEING with myself. Because then, I have to really listen to the dialogue in my head. I have to really be honest about my feelings and not just put a smile on and 'perform' for the masses. When I am alone I am 'real'. That is some scary stuff. It's scary to me to be real with myself because then, I have to change. I don't deal well with change, especially within myself. Physically I can change and be OK with it. But no one wants to realize that they have some kind of personality flaw. People naturally think that they are great; if they are a good person, they assume that they are always good. When you realize that you have a 'flaw', you then have to think, 'is this something I need to change, or is this something that makes me the way that I am'? I have realized that there are a lot of things about myself that I want to change.

1. I am controlling
2. I have major anxiety when I am not in control
3. I do not usually own my emotions. I try to stuff them down.
4. I say that I'm going to do things, and never do them. Thus I am a liar.
5. I definitely do not have the relationship with God that I need to have.

These are only a few of the things that I have discovered about myself this year. I am ready to change. I am ready to take the steps I need to, to grow, to blossom. I want to be able to 'stay'. I have run for to long and my legs are tired. I am 32 years old. It is time to become the woman that God intended me to be. Time...that is a funny word. We think we have all the time in the world don't we? My mom used to say 'Nicole, as you get older, the faster time goes!' She wasn't kidding. The time I need to focus on is now! I need to live in the now. I need to do what I need to do today to fulfill God's purpose. I can't wait till tomorrow, for we are not promised tomorrow.

The beach...is my box...my sand box so to speak. It's God's big sand box. That signify's to me that His power is limitless. It's not confining. I have freedom in Christ, not shackles. I need to remind myself of that when I want to take off and run. I need to remember that I am not a prisoner when I call myself a Christian. I am NO LONGER a prisoner BECAUSE of my Christianity. I am ready to be put in the 'box'. I am ready for God to present me the way he intended for me to be. A beautiful child of God, on that beach, looking out at His creation, listening to what he has to say.