"To Covet"

What does it mean to covet? Well the Webster's dictionary explains it as: to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably. I have been guilty of this sin on numerous occasions. I remember a particular instance in middle school. There was this girl named Beth that seemed to have everything that I wanted. This was during the mid eighties when skating was really 'in'. It's funny that it is 'in' once again. They say it's all cyclical and I am beginning to believe it. Well anyway, she hung with all the skater's. She was cool. Her hair was always perfect. She always had the really nice gear. She was popular at school and away from school. She lived in a nice house and had nice things. I used to really be jealous of her. Not in a way where I used to plot against her or anything, just that, I really wanted her life. I really wanted to 'be' her. I was not satisfied with myself or what I had.

I was made fun of in school by the preppies and the elite. My friends were the freaks and the geeks. I didn't have the latest clothes, hair or trinkets. I would get excited when my aunt would come over the house and bring me a trash bag full of clothes from yard sales. This was before it was 'cool' to shop at a thrift store or go to yard sales. I remember one time a girl came up to me and said she liked my shirt. I was like, 'For real?' and she said, 'yeah! Didn't you get it from Kmart Fall Apart?" I thought I would die. But like I had been conditioned to do for years, I cracked a joke smiled and had everyone laughing with me instead of 'at' me. I wasn't EVER going to let them see me cry. I was 'strong'. I would NEVER show any 'weakness'. I never really had anyone over to my house unless they were really really close friends. Because I never had snacks to give them, or a clean place for them to sit. We had roaches really bad at one point and if I got up in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen to get something to drink, I would always remember to put shoes on. When I would flick on the light, the floor would seem to move from them all scattering from the light. To this day I watch cereal as I pour it, because when I was young, they would be in the Toasted Oat Hoops. I HATED it!!! I wanted to be anyone but me. I used to day dream about it constantly.

I have been guilty of this yet again. My really good friend Tanya had a baby shower yesterday. She was and is one of the really close friends that would come over to my house and chill with me back in the day. She understood. She came from the same background as me. She was from the projects too. My friends Kristy, Melissa and I planned it for over a month. The food, the games, the gifts, the invitations, the decorations, all of it was planned with a great deal of love and effort. This is Tanya's first child and she is so excited about it. We all are. I honestly can't wait to babysit. Tanya was thought to always be like me, single and free (free being the operative word here). If I ever wanted to go out and have a drink and sing Karaoke, I would call Tanya and she was always up for it. She is so fun and spontaneous, and FUNNY! She can get anyone laughing. Now she won't be able to do that. That is not what is upsetting me though. It's that she is going to have a family and I am the last one as always. I know I'm whining but it really upsets me. It really hit me yesterday. We were in the middle of watching her open gifts and I was writing it all down so she would remember who gave her what, and I felt a tremendous sadness overcome me. A sadness that I have felt many time these last few months. I felt like I would burst into tears at any moment. I could always chalk it up to happiness over the baby, but I was afraid that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop, so like I often do, I stuffed it. Then later a girl that I used to go to high school with (Tanya's cousin), innocently enough asked me if I had any kids. Which I replied 'No'. She said, 'where is your husband'? To which I replied 'I've never been married, I've travelled a lot and guess I just haven't had time'. She had this look on her face of pity and just said 'wow, that's weird'. I know she didn't mean to be hurtful, she was just asking the questions everyone asks but it really started me on an emotional roller coaster. Then later her sister asked me 'Hey man it's Saturday night are you and your boyfriend going out anywhere'? To which I replied, 'I don't have a boyfriend'. She was like 'oh that's cool, so what are you doing tonight..are you gonna party?' To which I replied, 'I'm gonna go home and hang out with my cat'. She just started laughing and then it dawned on me that she thought I was kidding so I did the only think I could think of and started laughing with her and continued the charade that I was 'kidding'.

Later that night it dawned on me why I was so upset earlier at the baby shower. I am jealous of my really good friend and of her happiness. I covet her joy. I am mad as hell about it sometimes. Sometimes I think that I am unlovable and that is why I am alone. I am the only one from my 'clique' in school that is not married or at least with someone and the only one without kids. Even some of my gay friends have kids. The funny thing is, this has only started to bother me lately. People would ask me all the time if I would have kids and my reply was I am the eternal auntie. I will borrow them, fill them full of chocolate, take them to the movies or the amusement park, but borrowing them signifies that I can give them back. I love children but I have never seen myself as a mother (well the actual giving birth kind). I have had dozens of people tell me that I would be a good one but I worry that I would be too over protective and be a helicopter mom or that I would spoil them rotten. The same goes for marriage. I have never seen myself as the marrying type. I have so many quirks and oddities about me, I would think that no man would accept those things about me. For one thing that is a really big commitment and it's really expensive to plan a wedding. But when I really think about it. I do want those things. I want the 'American Dream'. Not necessarily the picket fence, but something close anyway. Well maybe at least his and her's bath towels; fences are so confineing. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older that I'm thinking about this, or if it's because lately I have really had to deal with my feelings and not 'pretend' anymore. I can't be real if I pretend all the time.

All of this is part of a journey. Sometimes I wish it would end but God has a reason for me being on this journey. There has to be a reason right? Is he preparing me for something or someone? Is he preparing my heart to be content with singleness? I thought about that earlier. I have some professors from college that are still single and they are in their 60's. I really don't think I could handle that! I know that I have to trust God and remember his promises, but my humanness seeps in, and it scares me to death! I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. I don't want to be the one that is always planning for other people's weddings, engagement parties, anniversary parties or baby shower's. I would like to be one of the happy few that is attending these festivities because I am the guest of honor.

Romans 7:7-13

7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."[b] 8But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

Philippians 4:10-13

10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I pray that God molds my heart so that I am content. I pray that God brings peace to this situation and forgives me for having covetous thoughts in my heart. Someone recently told me that a blessing before you are ready for it, it really a curse. Maybe God is preparing as I type so that what he is preparing me for is truly a blessing. Thank you God for listening. Thank you God for your provisions. Forgive me for being petty. Forgive me for not trusting that you have a plan.