Saying Goodbye

Good bye...Saying that sometimes doesn't mean anything other than that you will see this person later. Sometimes, it is permanent. Sometimes, it's not because the person is dead or because they are far away, but because, staying in contact is just too painful.

There are many people in my life that I have had to say goodbye to. I remember when I was leaving Ireland, those goodbye's were the worst. My heart broke into a million pieces. I didn't think that I would ever see those folks again. I didn't think that I would ever get over the feeling of sadness that consumed me as I was saying those goodbye's. These were people that I had formed really close bonds with, people that I truly came to love, children that I had really gotten close to through the youth group and the kids that I nannied for. When I was about to get on the plane, I remember the oldest girl, who was not overly affectionate, just grabbed me and hugged me so tight. This tiny little girl who only month's earlier had lost her mother to brain cancer, was now having to say goodbye to her nanny. Oh God, how I loved them, and still do. It was so painful and even as I type this I don't know if I'm crying over the loss of her or over the loss of my dear friend.

This friend has been in my life for many, many years. Some of them, if not most of them, have been very tumultuous. We were friends in middle school, high school and started dating after we were in our 20's. We have been off and on for over 12 year's. Through it all, we have stayed in contact even when he was in other relationship's. In that phase, we were 'just friends'. We hung around with the same people, had the same love of crazy music, and could talk about anything. Funny enough though, I never really felt completely comfortable with him. I felt like I had to portray a certain part of myself, and if all of me ventured out, that I had to apologize. This would infuriate him. Later on he explained that it was because I was always apologizing for things that I didn't need to.

He has struggled with drug addiction for years, some of which have been really, really bad. On one occasion, he almost lost his life. He was shot at point blank range with a .45 caliber hand gun. All bullets, missed vital organs by millimeters. He has even had me in the mix at times, going to get him at all hours of the night to bail him out of crazy situations or bail him out period, paying off drug dealer's or when he was in a crazy manic high state. We have been through a lot, and through it all, I have remained a constant in his life; someone he could call and talk to when things were good or bad. When I love, it's unconditional, it's true and unfailing. This is very apparent with the people that are closest to me. Of which are him and my mother, funny enough, these are the two people in my life that have caused me the greatest pain and heartache. My friend and I have argued over religion, over family, over almost everything. He has caused me more heartache then I can even write about. Through it all I knew he was a good guy, just sick with addiction. I was also sick with co-dependancy...well...I still am. I'm working on that.

I have been comfortable around addicts my whole life. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household, one full of booze, pills, physical, emotional and verbal abuse, guns being shot off in my house and strange men that my mom was dating being around at all hours of the night. But it has come to my attention that you can get used to almost anything. This doesn't mean that you like it, or that you even want to be around it but that you can probably tolerate it if it is all that you know.

For the past few months I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I need to cut ties with my very dear and old friend. I just didn't have the courage to do so. I have always considered him my best friend. It seems crazy even as I type it. This person, who I have cried rivers of tears over, is my best friend. I guess it's because he has been a part of my life for so long. I have to say goodbye, not because of who he is or what he has or has not been, but because it is too painful for me. My heart would jump every time he called, wondering if it would be good or bad news. I would hear the sound of his voice and at times be comforted because that meant that I wasn't completely alone. But for months, I have also been trying to get emotionally healthy. I have joined many groups through church and have been seeing my therapist since April. I have been trying to understand the workings of my own brain, trying to figure out why I am the way that I am; why I have allowed this to consume my thoughts, actions, loyalties and priorities. This has been my obsession. I am ashamed to say that. God has not been my obsession. God has not been my priority. God has not been my passion. I have thought that I have been madly in love with God, but allowing this to consume my life is living outside of God's will. I have not been holding steadfast to God's promises, to God's truth, to God's love. I have been seeking the love of another, the love of someone that can not show me the kind of Biblical love I desire. The love of someone that God has not chosen me to have.

Tonight was the defining moment. As we were talking, he said that for our mental health, we needed to not talk anymore. He reassured me that this wasn't some kind of kiss off; i hate you, never want to talk to you again type of thing, but it needed to be a clean break so that I could move on, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. He stated that I have been living in the past and not the now. Which in some part, is true. I have tried to let go, but as he reminded me, he hasn't always allowed me to do so. He would call me when he was happy, sad, angry or wanted to talk about his significant other. He would call me when he needed something or when he felt alone. We were like a crutch for each other. Both of us have been trying to heal for quite sometime, and have realized that we don't need the 'crutches' anymore. It doesn't make it any less painful to realize this, it's the opposite, but through the pain of now, there is the hope of healing for tomorrow. He said that 'just because something is comfortable, doesn't mean that it's good for you'. That is so true, because like I said, human beings can get 'comfortable' with just about anything. He said that this was hard for him too, but that we couldn't stay in contact like we had. It dawned on me that this was a very healthy way of him showing care and love for me. He has been seeking treatment for some months now, and I hope and pray that he continues his sobriety. He is letting me go so I can really heal from our breakup. So that I can move on and focus on my life and not be totally consumed with his. This is not to say that I won't think of him often and hope that he is OK, or that I won't pray for him, this is to say that I have to 'let go and let God'. I used to think that there was something wrong with me; why can't I be friend's with him without feeling so sad? Why can't I move on? Why can't I stop crying over this loss? It's not that I'm weak or that there is something wrong with me, but sometimes, you can't be friends with an EX. Sometimes, it's not healthy for either party to do that. Sometimes, you have to say 'Goodbye'.

I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I feel very sad right now, but I know I will get through this. I have many people that care about me; that will help me get through this. This has been a 12 year cycle that I have to break. He did what I didn't have the courage to do. He has put to rest, 12 years of history, some of which were very, very bad and emotionally damaging. But I can safely say, this is a step that both of us have to make. This is a step in the right direction. I don't want to carry this into my next relationship. I want to be emotionally healthy and ready for the next phase of my life.

I am ready to lean on God's understanding. I am ready to look forward to what God has in store for me. I am ready to heal, to be mended yet again. I have said before that I am a patch work quilt. As the quilt gets worn and tattered, at times it needs to be mended. I have had to be mended often. I am ready for God to take control. I am ready...to say 'goodbye dear friend, goodbye'.